rebecca

baby making

2009-01-12T08:47:00.002-05:00

Jason and I FINALLY talked seriously about baby making.
It's very frustrating, because *I* talk about it all the time, and to other people, about my time line. I was gunning for January 2010. If we had happened to get pregnant right away, Jason will be done school before the baby comes. Then Jason started talking about how he wanted to go away after school for a few weeks on a 'real' vacation. To Europe or some such. And it dawned on him that there might be a chance I'd be very pregnant. So we talked about it, and I agree, It would be nice to have gone away before we have kids...so it's been pushed back 6 months.

SO in a year and a half we're starting our baby making adventures! I'm happy we've figured it out TOGETHER.

oi, this seems to be my medical blog lol

2008-10-17T15:05:00.004-04:00

went to a GI specialist for the tum tum. don't think I have crones yay! Dr. doesn't think I have ciliac disease. even though all signs point to yes??? wtf? is testing my blood for it though, as well as thyroid problems in case it's a hormone thing. I might have IBS (irritable bowel syndrome). He put me on a diet for that. Very little dairy. hard cheeses like old cheddar (YUM), pro-biotic yogurt and lactose free stuff. No Apples, Bananas, cherries, plums or prunes. No beans or legumes, cabbage cauliflower, brocc or turnips, or bread, except for 2 slices of whole grain bread. he said whole wheat, but I'm going to do spelt... I must eat 40 grams of fiber every day. i don't think that will be a problem. my problem is the beans. that was my main protien, along with cheese. so I might have to start eating meat again. I'll see. I can't eat soy beacuase its beans. crud. meat is so expensive, and i really don't want to eat meat unless its organic. I don't want any more crap in my body. We'll see soon what the blood tests say.

pmdd??

2008-06-16T18:45:00.001-04:00

http://menstrualdisorders.morefocus.com/articles/pmdd-and-menstruation/index.php

maybe...
but I need to chart my days for a while to really see. because it's always after...not before.

i can't find anything talking about after.

resolutions?

2008-06-16T17:42:00.002-04:00

so, it has come to my attention there is something wrong with me.
every month, the week AFTER my period, i go...crazy. i think thats the only word for it. why? because I don't know it's happening. I think I'm a fairly observant person when it comes to myself, esp. recently. I've been working hard trying to be 'better', by being conscious and aware of Egor (he's the jerk inside me who gets defensive and bitchy and aggravated and who pushes me to react negativly to those things that make me feel like that) I named him so I can call him on it. He's not who I AM.
any way...
So I've been conscious and I have, and Jason has, seen an improvement. Except for this one week a month when Egor 100% takes over. Like, apparently, I'll be upset about something, and Jason will call me on it, (like I've asked him to) and I'll snap back at him and deny I'm upset. Or it will be later, and he'll be telling me about it, and I won't know what he's talking about. Like, I'll remember the situation around it, but not my being angry.

so my conclusion is a. Jason is delusional.
or 2. I'm batshit crazy.

Now, the reason I don't think Jason is crazy, is because about 10 years ago my friend Dan asked me to tell him when I was on my period so he could tell the rest of our friends why I was being so horrible. It didn't click with me, because the in time frame he mentioned, I WASN'T on my period, OR PMSing (pre...). I'd like to talk to Nate, he's the only other long term BF I've had. I know he noticed stuff, but I don't remember what we talked about.

I also remember feeling paranoid around this time. like, feeling odd, and trying to figure out why, and making things up with people around me to make sense of it. hmmmmmmm.

I wonder what can be done. It's hurting Jason, and I have NO doubt I'll end up hurting our kids too. I don't want to be a horrible monster one day a week let alone a whole week.

so. I don't know what to do. I desperately don't want to go on meds.

oh fucking blody hell

2008-06-15T11:29:00.003-04:00

why?
thats all.

why?

i don't get it. i really don't.

we WERE going to have a nice day today.
all i said was "but it's sunday" in response to "call the bank and change it"
i got defensive, and then wised up and went to go call to see. not entirely all him but wtf. WTF!?

now he's gone, and the day is ruined. should i go do laundry and not see the movie? should i stay here and beg forgiveness for something i don't even know what happened?

WHY does it always turn into SOMETHING that wrecks the who day. why can't he let it go.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! *throws something*

hmmm, an update

2008-05-09T07:02:00.002-04:00

oh! We're moving. July 1.

I NEED a new job. One that pays $11/hour+ at $40/week. One that does not hurt my body. Maybe a receptionist? *sigh* I really don't know. Who wants to hire me?

feeling less, um...bogged down

2008-04-14T10:48:00.002-04:00

so, jason and i had a GOOD talk when he got home

(oh, back story, i didn't get into it before. same old me being a jerk face, same old jason flipping out, storming off. except jason's mom and son where there. he un invited me to go out with them during the afternoon. i sat at home brooding.)

we actually talked. we got it down to the bare bones. still not REALLY sure WHAT to do. but at least we are on the same page.

2008-04-13T16:01:00.003-04:00

i need a dream catcher to help me keep my dreams alive.

i was manic, now i'm depressed
should i be medicated? i hurt my husband. the person i shouldn't.

i want to beable to DO this on my own

i want this book to work, not just feel good.

i'm doing it to myself. like fuck. i don't have to react like this. buti like the drama. it feeds me, and with out being a jerk, who am i i'm not the person jason married if i'm not the sameperson he married. his reactions to me trying to get better are horrible when i'm DOING iot. when i'm feeling and being and NOW and I AM he doesn't get it. so are we doomed? wtf. i wish he's open up and

do what i tell him

thats not right either.
why WHY THE FUCK DOES IT HAVE TO BE A STRUGGLE? why. why can't i just BE and be accepted. why can't i just accept that i'm NOT accepted? i'm my problem. the rest is the rest and i could just let it go.

i'd gain me, but would i loose the rest? my husband ? my dreams?

i can't fight. i need to let live and let go as they say.

live the life you love. love the life you live. as mr. marley said.

thanks for BEing there and listening. even if you didn't. i don't want advice. i just want to BE.

2008-04-13T16:00:00.002-04:00

trying

2008-04-13T15:36:00.005-04:00

im trying to live NOW. to be present. to BE.
and maybe cause i'm TRYING it's not "working" i keep. i keep i dunno, messing up i guess.

is this where i'm supposed to be?

am i, are we, just...disillusioned?

now i now, so there is no later or before. it's gone or never really will be. but try to tell that to someone you have hurt who is still hurting who hurt you back. i can't IGNORE the fact that i act like a jerk. we can't really live like that.

i
have
no
idea how not to ACT like this any more.

i'm aware. i don't understand i don't get it
when it's not like this, i get it
but at this moment

i'mlost, except i KNOW where i am...just no to go.

this is how i "feel?"

lieing and cheating

2008-04-04T16:20:00.002-04:00

I won't lie and cheat. Ok, maybe white lies to get out of something I don't want to do...but generally, I don't.
Jason thinks I would have gotten the customer service job if I had out right lied on my resume. Like saying I worked for his mom telemarketing. (One of the reasons I didn't get the job was that I don't have any phone experience, the other main one being not a lot of Excel experience)
I won't do it. I stretched the truth on one job, making it into 2 jobs (reception for an architect firm, and the actual job, working at the cafe that fronted the firm), and said when I worked for my dad for a week, that it was school co-op.

But I will not fabricate.

Jason keeps going on and on about how people who lie and cheat get a head in life. I personally believe in karma. What goes around comes around. Maybe you have millions of dollars...but are you really HAPPY??? (oh, and I believe, though I may not be HAPPY!, I'm far from miserable, and at least i didn't go against my morals to get here ha ha)

I am appalled that people think it's ok to lie like this, or about anything really. (Like I said...I ain't perfect and I Do lie...)

i'm siiiiiiiiick

2008-03-27T19:39:00.002-04:00

I'm a little sick at the moment.

I applied for a customer service job at work. I'm trying very hard to live in the moment and not fret about what i did or didn't say right. Cause thats only going to stress me out and keep me sick.

I'm going to go meditate now.

Send me some love/energy/good karma/prayers/etc. Not that I get the job per say, but that I accept what was and is and is to come.

burlesque! i did it

2008-03-17T08:08:00.005-04:00

i had SO much fun dong the burlesque on saturday. i stayed up for 22 hours though. i was up at 5:30 for work, then didn't have time for a nap, then went to bed at 3:30.here are the G rated photos...i can e-mail the rest, but i think my stripping partner doesn't want to be on the net half neckid.

oh, and i'm definetly doing this again...i need a name

burlesque!

2008-03-09T08:57:00.002-04:00

i am going to be in a berlesque show on saturday! i play the boy who really is a girl! i'm so excited!

bath

2008-03-08T17:36:00.001-05:00

i want to have a bath, but the landlord *might* come today...i don't want to risk it, cause he'll just come in (cause we said it was ok) if i don't answer the door, and i don't want to get out of the bath if he DOES come...grrrr.

woah

2008-03-06T18:33:00.002-05:00

so on monday jason and i did the laundry. i normaly do it alone, but i have been forbidden to lift stuff (bicep tendinitis at the shoulder). so jason put the laundry in the bundle buggy, and even pulled it for me. we did the laundry, and 2 days later i find out some clothes are missing. we check the launder mat, no go...THIS MORNING i forgot my wallet, so i walk back home from the bus stop, and what to i see in a snow bank? the only been worn once sweater i couldn't find...i dig around more and i find the rest of my stuff. jason wiggles the bundle buggy more than me, so some stuff at the top must have fallen out and got plowed over.

praise God(ess/s). for real. i cried.

reading

2008-03-02T17:51:00.002-05:00

I'm reading:

"A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle

yes, Oprah's book club.

READ IT. I'm not even half way done and I'm a little changed.

I hesitated posting about it before I was finished, but it warrants a mention. I'll let you know how the rest goes.

booooop

2008-02-29T19:47:00.001-05:00

(like the old t.v.s turning off...) thats what i feel like doing right now.
good night.

more pics in the 101 photos blog!

2008-02-23T18:57:00.003-05:00

and i bought boots. new winter boots that i hope are warmer and dryer than the other (free) ones i got. these where free too cause i got them at the bay with my HBC gift card. i even have 2.77 left! wooo!

since i didn't spend the other money i figured i'd have to spend, i got new underwear, and a new sweater!

i cooked jason a steak tonight. had a bite. meat is still yuck.

french

2008-02-23T08:56:00.003-05:00

i am learning french! i am useing the online tool "babbel" (www.babbel.com) its fun! i have learned some l'animal et nombre (pardon my spelling...)

so, its fun. they teach german, english (i should try the english...) italian and spanish.

i'm going to the market now.

i'm an old lady at 28

2008-02-20T07:22:00.003-05:00

so, the major pain in my hips have turned into occasional twinges when i move wrong. i have joint pain in my pinkie and thumb of my left hand. what? do i have rheumatoid arthritis??? thats the one that is auto immune, and means your own body has decided to attack it's self for no apparent reason. freakin yay! i'll be seeing my doctor again in 2 weeks, i'll keep an eye on it and then see what she says.

i am also very smelly, armpit wise. i shower, put on deodorant, not antiperspirant , and an hour later i'm stinky lady again. but it's not all the time. i don't get it.

i bought jason a doughnut last night after circus.

i enjoyed circus last night, if not mostly for the fact that i got to see elizabeth, angela, nikos and aidan.

major pain

2008-02-18T11:02:00.002-05:00

we have a new mattress. i woke up in major pain this morning. my hips an lower back where killing me. almost literally! i could hardly stand. i took some tylonal, and the feel better...this SUCKS! i hope it's not the mattress.

family day weekend

2008-02-16T19:36:00.001-05:00

went and saw "we will rock you". it was very fun. we even got glow sticks!

it's about time

2008-02-15T19:51:00.002-05:00

i fell into a slump...so here i go again. this is really tough cause all i ever do is go to work, work, go home, go to bed, get up, go to work...

i am grateful for:
-my new bookshelf
-tanya (i saw her tuesday, but i'm STILL grateful for her)
-a night alone
-the rays of sun that shine though the window at sundown while i'm scoring.
-anton (a really really nice man at work who always tries and succeds in making me smile)

in me:
-that i walk home from the grocery store

good day!

2008-02-15T06:36:00.002-05:00

my day yesterday was just kinda meh. i got my paystub, and i got a raise! then i got to leave EARLY! then i got home, and the new mattress was here! along with the book shelves! jason hadn't made dinner, but he ordered chinese...so thats ok. he got a letter from george brown, and jason has to schedual test times. i'm scared, cause he's no good at the math, and he procrastinates. he has 10 days too find a practice test, and figure out how to do it! *bites nails* so i was in a good mood. i like being in a good mood.

soooo tired

2008-02-13T20:24:00.003-05:00

i have been feeling SO tired lately. maybe it's just the winter, and the fact i'm not exercising. i'll let you know in the spring. ha ha.

doctor

2008-02-13T06:43:00.002-05:00

my doc wants me to take a week off. i hope i get payed for it! gah! luckily for me, february is a 5 paycheck month. un luckily for me, our computer died and we bought a new one and now i have 0$ extra cash. sigh.

but i get a week off!!

i am going to concentrate on sewing.

ice ice baby

2008-02-11T14:22:00.001-05:00

i fell on the ice. jarred my arm, so i called in sick. can't score, lift, roll, sweep etc with a hurt arm. and i'm being a bit of a baby...it's not THAT bad.

brrrrr

2008-02-11T08:39:00.000-05:00

it's cold in here
there must be some torros? in? the atmosphere?????

i watch that movie too much (bring it on...shut up.)

what was i going to say? i don't remember.

i am going to eat a lot this morning to fuel my body so i can stay warm. oh, and snow pants too. not eating them...wearing them.

it's -16 with the wind chill of -25. yuck.

grateful for...

2008-02-10T19:19:00.000-05:00

um...getting up at 4:30 am, when you usually get up at 5:30 for your 7:30 shift? no...
waiting a half hour for the bus cause all the transportation you needed to take on a sunday don't correspond so your either a half hour early or a half hour late? no...
the fact that is it SO cold out while waiting OUT SIDE for the bus cause it's sunday and the subways don't open until 9? no...
walking 10 minutes in said freezing cold? no...
uuuuum what else sucked today? scoring for 8 hours. feeling like barfing. working with STUPID people. more cold. walking up to the door and seeing your non smoking husband smoking...

what was good?
-leaving at 3:30 to the sunshine
-the bus coming 1 minute after i got to the bus
-seeing andrew and chatting for the second half of my ride
-a bath
-die hard (yippii kiay mf!)

in me:
-i invented a new salad. yum!

blog for the list

2008-02-09T19:45:00.001-05:00

i made an entire blog for my 101 in 1001 list. cause i got tired of searching to edit. it's here.

COMPUTER!

2008-02-09T19:27:00.000-05:00

we didn't have a computer for a whole 2 days!

things i am grateful for:
-the fact we can afford to buy a 'new' computer
-the beautiful sky at 5pm today
-chatting with rosaro at work
-a place to buy good fish on my way home (the no frills at dundas and lansdowne has a fish market inside!)
-lentils. i like 'em.

in me:
-that i have learned how to smile and make myself feel better

2008-02-06T19:30:00.000-05:00

oh, never mind...i already "blued" grat and jason journal writing already...

shit

2008-02-06T19:22:00.000-05:00

i forgot tuesday.

another $5 for the pot.

today i am grateful for:
-my work that "cares" (i am injured, and they are taking the right steps...i'm just not sure if they actually care)
-people who wink
-the sound of the city when it snows (quiet)
-nice ttc people who wait.
-that i have one more day til a day off

in me:
-my eyes are very green today...i like that

um...me = bad wife...i need to do something nice for jason.

g+j

2008-02-04T21:06:00.000-05:00

-gina being back from vacation (she's the #1 scorer and the nicest person)
-smart people (cause i'm not grateful for the DUMB ones)
-cheese-tastic (the no name brand of cheeze wiz)
-jason cleaning the house
-a quick painless bus ride home

-in me:
that i stayed calm and cool at work

i haven't done anything for jason today....what should i do?

g+j for sunday (i wasn't home)

2008-02-04T09:00:00.000-05:00

-my mom and sister
-body blitz spa
-fresh (the restaurant)
-my trusty old bundle buggy
-dan being more than i expected

in me:
i care too much

nothing done for jason. he wasn't here. i did do the dishes again...

101 in1001

2008-02-03T09:52:00.000-05:00

going to the SPA! w00t! another green on my list.
saw dan, heather and warren last night. another green on my list. just in the nick of time...i almost had a blue!
speaking of blue...i now have $20 in my charity pot. it's the daily ones. next time i make them 4 or 5 times a week. i'm not superman.

g+j

2008-02-02T20:07:00.000-05:00

-SNOW!
-a quick ride to RH
-cheese
-a loving (albeit sometimes crazy) husband
-washrooms in home depot

in me:
-not letting my MIL get the better of me

done for jason:
got up at 6:30 and went with him to RH for the day

oh, and gratuity and jason

2008-02-01T18:00:00.000-05:00

-the beautiful snow
-warm blankets
-oprah
-banana bread
-family

in me
-that i CAN be calm (i just need to learn how all the time)

done for jason:
i did the dishes

better

2008-02-01T17:43:00.000-05:00

things are MUCH better. we talked today. things are better. but until i get into therapy, and we get into counseling, it won't stay better.

confession:

i am an angry person. did you know that? i think i hide it well.
i've been angry MY WHOLE LIFE. not just at 11 when my dad abused me. my whole life. i am not a happy person. it's a veneer. not exactly fake. i do FEEL happy some times. but there is that anger under it all. i'm not really sure why. maybe the world just sucks.

the weird thing is, i didn't know that until recently. but it's true. i need to find out why, and i need to learn how to manage it. part of it is the way i am. my temperament. i got my dads, and my sister got my moms. my mom and sister are calm and cool. they both get angry, but they are calm. my dad and i are pressure cookers. no, thats not really right. we know what pisses us off and we can't stand it when it happens.

little things make me MAD. the closer you are to me, the madder i get. maybe thats why i don't have any close friends. i keep most people at arms length.

i pick at dylan and jason all the time.

i hate being so pissed off all the time. it's time to learn how not to be. i'm not sure how yet. i need help. that i know.

yea. i need to make a LOT of progress before i can have children. i don't want to be a mean mommy. i have done a lot of work in the past. i don't think it will take too long to get going. i'm going to go back to the woman i was seeing before we got married. i won't have to start from the bottom. just from the middle maybe. now i have coverage for therapy too. and so does jason, so although it won't cover it all, it can cover some.

it's going to be long and hard. i'm keeping my sights on when it's better (not perfect...never perfect, but better)

jason

2008-02-01T08:28:00.000-05:00

jason is GONE. i mean...he's here physically...but man o man...he's GONE
he talks in monotone. he doesn't talk unless i talk first. he doesn't touch me unless i touch him. he's going through the motions. i have a robot for a husband. i don't know what to do.

sigh

2008-01-31T18:02:00.000-05:00

another $5 for the charity jar.

i wasn't feeling grateful yesterday. so i didn't post. it wasn't even cause i forgot. i was just that bummed out. jason flaked out and went a little crazy. we didn't talk all day (for the parts i was home.) except for the part that he said he was empty and that i should sleep with barry bear (my oldest friend) if i needed something, oh, and the soup i made is good. i called him at lunch today and he seemed a little better. he got school stuff done (thats what his breakdown was about) and he said he loves me...so yea. i was even trying to figure out how much rent i could afford on my own...still no idea how we are. he's napping...i should wake him up. i think he's depressed.

i think we'll be starting counseling soon. we need it.

ummm, things i'm grateful for:

-going to work and the sun is out, leaving work and the sun is STILL out
-good soup
-working in a noisy place so i can sing out loud
-buses being on time
-basia bulat

in me:
the fact that i managed to not cry at work over the past few days

nice for j:
i got us a movie and chocolate so we can snuggle (?) and watch and eat. "i called to say i love you"

g+j for today and some good news!!

2008-01-29T20:04:00.000-05:00

the good news:

i am eligible to interview for the cafe supervisor position at work! transfers usually aren't approved under a year, and i've only been there 9+ months. but the prod. man. (tee hee) gave his a-ok so i HOPE and PRAY i have a new, 9-5, off sundays, job soon!!!

grateful for:

-happy people
-the launder mat being close enough that i don't dread going to do laundry
-Stephen King
-white bean chowder
-the fact i have a home i like coming home to

in me:
-that i can get off my butt and get done what needs to be done, even if it means i can't go knit tonight.

g+j for monday

2008-01-29T05:10:00.000-05:00

i'm doing monday this morning cause i work at 6:45 and i didn't get home til 6 last night and i had to go to bed at 8! and cook and eat. so i'm doing it now. it counts.

i am grateful for:
-a good microwave oven at work that pops popcorn REALLY fast
-nice people at work
-my massage therapist (ahh ha ha...i had to get around not saying jason today...)
-leaving work early
-seeing the sun for once

in me
-i can cook

done for jason:
i'm a bad wife and i didn't even buy him a treat at the store. i will today...maybe even doughnuts.

oh, and i cooked something new (sauted veg. spinach, onion, leeks and pumpkinseeds with fish) add another one green!

grat and jay

2008-01-27T21:02:00.000-05:00

thing done for jason...
i bought him brunch, even though i didn't want to go out...i did.

grateful for:
-mitzi's sister
-a lovely husband
-my mom
-buckwheat noodles
-nice supervisors who don't freak out when you call in sick

me:
-my clear thinking

nice thing for jason

2008-01-26T17:22:00.000-05:00

rubbed his sore back (i feel like crap, but i want to be nice to my poor husband)

gratuity

2008-01-26T15:04:00.000-05:00

things i am grateful for:

grilled cheese that comes with a pickle
light snow fall
elizabeth talking my ear off
101 things in 1001 days
my cowboy boots

(in me)
why is this always so durnd hard?

my ability to think of 101 things i would like to do, and the fact i have the faith in myself to DO them.

101 in 1001

2008-01-26T09:02:00.000-05:00

ok, i'm doing it! gunna do the 101 thing in 1001 days.

start date: January 26th 2008
finish date: October 23rd 2010

legend:
red =done
green = in progress
blue = abandoned/not finished= $5 to charity

the list:

Home:
1. Do the dishes on my days off. (2ce/week= 286. 1/286)
2. Dry clean the things that need to be dry cleaned
3. Make a list of things to do to “get green”
4. Post green list and do them
5. Change all light bulbs to compact fluorescents
6. Clean bed/sewing room once a month (1/33)
7. Get book shelf and organize books. ordered from ikea today. should be here in a few weeks.

Finances:
8. Pay off loan.
9. Put $X into savings every month (any amount)
10. Get a credit card.
11. Follow budget.
12. Revise budget every month.
13. Put $1 in the pig everyday (like dude! Thats $1001!!)
14. Give $5 per goal not achieved to charity.
15. Change bank to PCF

Pure fun:
16. Travel to the East coast (barring I have license)
17. Travel to the West coast (barring I have license)
18. Try 10 new restaurants in Toronto (new to me)
19. Learn 5 tricks with poi and hoop each. (0/5p, 0/5h)
20. Go see an opera. (should co-ordinate with E. on this)
21. Go see a ballet. (co-ordinate with E. on this)
22. Ride a horse.
23. Buy a dress and wear it.
24. Go skating
25. Go roller blading
26. Go on a random road trip. Get lost.
27. Get pet fish.
28. Go bowling
29. Go to a Leafs game
30. Read a classic novel…any ideas???
31. Go cross country skiing
32. See a band live once a month. (0/33)
33. Go camping.
34. Go to the races (horse??)
35. Once Aidan starts eating solids (cause I can‘t breast feed!!), take him for a few ours so L + A + N can go on a date.
36. When on the east coast visit the Smiths
37. When on the west coast visit uncle Jim.
38. Learn to play bridge.
39. Go to drum circle this summer.
40. Take a walk in high park (or some park) once a month. (0/33)

Health:
41. Stay 'vegetarian' until I get pregnant. Eat only organic meat after. (I worry about not getting enough protein once I’m preg.)
42. Make and stick to an exercise regime.
43. Do 100 push ups consecutively (1/100)
44. Once the weather hits 15oC (I’m a wuss) ride everywhere, including the 10 k to work weather permitting.
45. Floss everyday for a month. (0/30)
46. Go to the dentist.

Marriage:
47. Get pregnant.
48. Go on a date with Jason at least once a month. (1/33)
49. See a counselor with Jason as a mediator to give us the tools so we don’t fight. (ie. We talk rather than freak out)
50. Take pictures with Jason (and Dylan when able) once a month in photo booth (0/33)

Family/Friends:
51. Go to spa with Mommy and Sarah every few months or so (1/15)
52. See at least 1 friend once a week (2/143).
53. Write Grandma and Grandpa one letter a month. (1/33. jan.)
54. Have people over for dinner every 2-3 months (0/16)
55. Visit Kirsi in Seattle at least once.
56. Buy flowers for someone once a month. (0/33)
57. Find people to play bridge with on a regular basis (or some card game, once month?)
58. Teach Dylan and Jason how to play guitar
50. Do something ‘aboriginal’ with Donna and Jan

Me:
60. Get drivers license
61. Get massage (from someone other than Jason) 4x/year (0/10)
62. Get another tattoo.
63. Continue my small business certificate.
64. See a therapist for me to give me the tools to be a better me.
65. Get a facial once and a while (0/10)
66. Get first aid certificate.
67. Learn another language. Probably French since that’s our other national language.
68. Complement a stranger once a week. (0/143)
69. Stop being so defensive (how do I track that??)
70. Say good morning to people who say it to you.
71. Learn how to type fast
72. Post in gratuity journal everyday.
73. Post things done for Jason everyday.
74. Change last name to Foster.
75. Cook something new once a week. (3/143)
76. Learn about alpacas.
77. Learn about organic farming.
78. Put all my music on i-tunes
79. Categorize music on i-tunes
80. Learn about organic gardens.

Creativity:
81. Take 100 photos once a month. And post. (0/100:0/33)
82. Take 2 drawing classes (0/2)
83. Re-do photo wall in hallway
84. Play guitar once a week. (2/143)
85. Learn 5 songs on guitar. (0/5)
86. Join a choir.
87. Make a dress and wear it.
88. Knit everyday.
89. Make a list of knitted things to make for myself.
90. Make the knitted things on my list
91. Make a quilt.
92. Finish the scrapbook I started of my high school years.
93. Sort my “to do” box of sewing.
94. Finish all the sewing projects in the “to do” box.
95. Participate in 5 craft shows. (0/5)
96. Only watch 1 hour of tv/day (not including movies, and not including when i'm sick and too exhausted to move)
97. Sing with my guitar for an audience.
98. Sew everyday i missed the first + second day and every day after...i will still continue to sew everyday, but alas, ther is $5 to the charity pot
99. Make dream catchers for 10 more people. (0/10)
100. Learn to play harmonica.
101. Paint a picture.

charity: $25
(note to self...next time...don't do "everyday" things on list make it 4/5 times per week instead)

up-date?

2008-01-22T09:00:00.000-05:00

i'm not really sure what there is to update at the mo'.

my body is falling apart. that means i need to get a new job. i AM NOT going to be in chronic pain for the rest of my life if there is anything i can do about it...ie. get a job that does not give me tendinitis in my shoulder. there IS a prospect of becoming the cafe supervisor at ace. i'd like that, then i wouldn't have to leave. i'll get more money and keep my benefits. a little less learning curve, and no hassle for looking for a job. pray that it happens.

in 2 years jason and i are trying for a baby. no matter what. so, jan 1 12:01 am 2010, don't phone...we'll be busy. *bowchikawowowow*
i told jason that we have to have 3 boys and 2 girls cause i have picked out their names already. Everett, Jeremy, Robin. Alida, Ruth. except jason doesn't like robin and ruth. so we will have 2 boys and a girl. i WOULD like twin boys, everet and jeremy...and i'd call them rett and remy. maybe i'll have to just get 2 dogs and name them that. oh, and jason said that i can name the alpacas anything i want! nice guy. i WAS thinking of naming them after relatives and friends. who wants an alpaca named after them???

i'm going to try for the spring clothing show. i've go to sew my ass off for that to happen. if not, then i'll definitely will do the fall one.

the revised 5 year plan

2007-11-19T06:47:00.000-05:00

there is a NEW plan! the time line is pretty much the same. jason needs to get his butt in gear and find out who the head of the program is so he can get in...thats what sutherland-chan said. that there should be no problem. he should get in to the nursing program with out having to take all the other crap. any way... if that is the case, then the baby will happen in 2010! but you know, whatever.

the NEW part is that we are going to move to "the country" and start an alpaca farm! when we where at the royal winter fair, jason fell in love with the alpacas. it was just a pipe dream at first, but i thought my mom might like the idea. she wants to retire at 60, and that's in 5 years. and she needed a way to make money since her pension is gunna be shit. so i mentioned it to her, and she was all over it like a blanket on a (neatly made) bed. she suggested that we all (me, jason, my sister) get in on it. so, in 5 years i'm gunna be an alpaca farmer.

the woman who owns an alpaca farm near sault ste. marie. no, we are NOT moving THAT far. we all still have to figure out where we want to live. we are going to have to decide between 7 adults. my mom, andrew, sarah, jesse (IF they get married), me, jason and jan (yes folks, jasons mom). we will build 3 or 4 houses (depending on if there is an existing house). we are going to be GREEN. solar panels, windmills. etc. hybrid trucks, you name it...we's gunna do it.

we are going to have alpacas, bees, goats (for milk...not slaughter), an organic farm, maybe chickens...

i am SO excited. i want to move NOW.

the alpaca farm has a 3 month "assignment" (fee boarding!!) that i want to go up for. i also need to learn how to drive before that happens (and before we move to the country! we all have to learn, sarah, jason and me)

hoping and figuring stuff out

2007-11-01T08:18:00.000-04:00

i'n trying to figure out a way that i can have a baby NOW. how can we make it work. it would be silly to try cause jason is going to go to school, and i will need to work. maybe once we find out how much of his school will be funded. sometimes one gets more than just tuition. if we can manage with just his grant, then maybe i can work for one more year and save all my money. then have a baby and then i'll get mat leave pay as well. i doubt we will get enough to live on though.

i'm so frustrated.

my hopes and dreams:
i don't want to work while the baby is home. thats 3-4 years (we'll see about half day daycare or something when s/he is 3) and in that time i want to be taking courses in small business management and baking. and get my business running. that won't happen until jason has a good job and baby is in school full time. and i want to have 2...so at this point, it looks like my bakery isn't going to be in business for another 10 or so years. i keep thinking of scraping that idea...but i don't know what else to do. i really don't. it's that, or go to school full time for a whole long time. maybe i'd get to go when my kids are in college!

i guess our 5 year plan still stands. i HOPE HOPE HOPE (and pray) that jason gets into practical nursing (he's applying SOON) he is also applying for pre-health, and if he passes that, he gets in to prac nursing. if he gets straight into prac nursing, he will be done in 2 years, and then he has to work for some time, then he can take one year of registered nursing. i figure, he will need to work for at least a year for him to qualify. i should go read the fine print...jasons not so good at that.
if he doesn't get in, but does get into pre health, thats 3 years of school.

anyway, my point is, that baby making can start happening in either:

september-ish of 2009-baby born some time after june 2010 (i'll be 30) - if he gets into prac n. and he agrees to be in school for the RN program while we have a 1/2/3 yearold

september-ish 2010 - baby juneish 2011 (31) - he doesn't get into prac. n, he needs to take pre h. and he doesn't mind having a 1/2/3 y.o. while in last year doing RN.

some point after that - but really, if it hasn't happened by the time i'm 32 (after august 2011) i'm not sure if i should. i'm sure i will. i'm just a little scared. and 4 years is a long time to wait.

oh, yea...

2007-09-20T18:05:00.000-04:00

no baby. *sigh* i wish i was.

repeat after me bec:

"i WILL NOT pock holes in the condoms!"

but, the prospect of behbeh(s) is sooner than we thought. jason is taking (i frakin hope!) a 2 year practical nursing program next sept.. so that means! ...2 years till baby making time (rather than the original 4!)! he is willing to get pregnant while still in school (or...i mean willing for ME to get ...) he doesn't really want a baby again while in school. thats what happened with dyllie, and he didn't like it one bit.

any who...disappointed, but relieved at the same time.

2007-09-18T11:29:00.000-04:00

going to see my gynecologist today. i hope she can give me some insight whether i am pregnant or not.

if i'm not pregnant i'm sick. but not just kinda sick. there has to be something WRONG with me. or i'm not eating right. or or or.

i'm a hypochondriac.

maybe i'm dieing. no i don't think i'm dieing.

but off to my gp to find out what's wrong (in in the case of pregnancy, right!)!

saddness

2007-09-13T22:00:00.000-04:00

jason's grandma passed away
i won't make the funeral. they are staying overnight in penetang, so i can't take 2 days off.

i only met her once, but i liked her a whole lot. i wish i had gotten to know her better. and that i sent her her wedding photos ages ago.

but if i am pregnant, and we have a girl, her name will be there somewhere.

buh buh buuuuuuuhhh

2007-09-12T19:34:00.000-04:00

i'm biting my nails. i'm quite nervous.
i was dizzy friday (went home from work!), and i've been REALLY tired. everything smells like vomit. i'm queezy. constipated...

crud. maybe i'm pregnant.

the time line and the fact we are using condoms, and jason acctually checks them afterwards, makes NO sense though. but at the same time i just went off the pill so maybe things are quite messed up.

had sex the 4th and 6th day after my period (ended. w/ condom). 10th day i was dizzy. i have been tired ohso tired since about the 8th day. just yesterday things started to smell funny. and i've been mildly nauseous for about a week in the mornings. and i'm SO thirsty. all signs point to yes...but i could also be pointing them that way. oh, and my mom said my skin looks exceptionally good. am i freakin GLOWING? oh, and a little TMI. my vagina (the outer bits) is ahem...engorged. is that a sign?

i just needed to vent. i highly doubt i am. but i have to wait about TWO WEEKS until i'm supposed to get my period. i do have a gyno app. on tuesday. i'll ask her.

i also haven't told jason. not sure why. no, i do know why. he will FREAK RIGHT OUT.

blood

2007-09-07T17:33:00.000-04:00

when i was 12 or 13 i was diagnosed with ITP.

"ITP, idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura, also known as immune thrombocytopenic purpura, is classified as an autoimmune disease. In an autoimmune disease the body mounts an attack toward one or more otherwise normal organ systems. In ITP, platelets are the target. They are marked as foreign by the immune system and eliminated in the spleen, or sometimes the liver."
http://www.pdsa.org/index.htm

i went to the hospital a number of times to get something pumped into my blood to raise my platelet levels. my platelets raised enough in a couple years and stabilized. but my platelets have always been low (oh, platelets are the cells in your blood that clot. scabs for example are platelets at work). sometimes they are lower than others. i haven't had treatment for ITP for about 12 years though.

researchers don't know what causes ITP. We went to a homeopath, and she suggested that it had to do with my abuse. sort of a psychosomatic response. The abuse didn't show it's self physically, so my body needed to show it was being hurt.

whenever i am stressed, or sick my platelets go down. i get tired and i get symptoms (unexplained bruses and petechial hemorrhaging)

any who, i've been feeling low, and my bike accident bruises are very slow in healing, and i have an odd bruise on my ankle that isn't healing. so i'm looking online to find out what i can do. one is eat healthy. there is NO info on what TO eat. but there are foods that i am eating almost everyday that i should be staying away from.

things i shouldn't eat (or ingest...)! (stars next to the ones i eat daily or at least weekly)

aspirin
aspartame
beer (especially dark beer)
blueberries*
chocolate (dark)*
chondroitin sulfate (can act like heparin)
vitamin E
feverfew
heparin (can also cause thrombocytopenia)
garlic/onions*
gingko biloba (can also reduce the number of platelets)
ginger*
ginseng
goldenseal
green tea
guarana
red/purple grape products (grape juice, red wine, raisins)
pycnogenol
Omega 3 fatty acids*
SSRI's (Prozac, etc.)
Quercetin, rutin, and related bioflavonoids
ticlopidine (ticlid) used to prevent blood clots
tomatoes
wood ear mushrooms

i am especially sad about ginger and garlic. blueberries too!

sigh.

mr. aidan!

2007-08-03T17:26:00.000-04:00

i had the pleasure of meeting mr. aidan wednesday! he slept most of the time, except for the part where he got poo juice on me! (i say poo juice, cause it was soak through from his diaper...i can't wait 'til he gets married and i can tell that story)

he is incredibly handsome. he is long. he has LOOOOOONG fingers and toes. huge hands. he's going to be tall like his poppa.

i was blessed to have had a dream about aidan before he was born, and was lucky enough to have gotten an explanation from lynna and angela! i thought it was WAY cool!

i am very much looking forward to seeing him (AND the parental units too BTW!) soon. i have a good excuse. i need to make some adjustments to the diaper bag i made them, having never used one before...ha ha.

oh, and i'm off the pill, not to get pregnant, but off it non the less, and now, coupled with seeing aidan, and the hormone change i WANT A FREAKIN' BABY ALREADY! *sigh* it'll happen when it happens.
(repeat to self*i will not poke holes in the condoms i will NOT poke HOLES in the condoms!*)

an epiphany

2007-06-15T18:59:00.000-04:00

i have lot's of time to think at work.

i figured out, that i am healed. healed of the wrong done to me by my father. i have worked on it for a long time. but really, only time has made it happen. if all my experiences happened in a day, and i totally understood them, i would not be healed. my problem is now, that i've been hurting for so long. i'm still limping. the pattern of my life is still going in the same direction cause i've been doing it for SO long. and even i see that changing too.

it's neat.

list

2007-06-13T21:06:00.000-04:00

nice thing done...
thats private.

grateful for:
-fans
-skirts
-ice cream
-stephen king
-a day off

in me:
-cheese bread making ability.

2007-06-11T22:26:00.000-04:00

nice thing done:
took jason out for dinner at the keg mansion.
gave him his b-day prezzies early....
about to go cuddle...

just being nice in general...i know i said tat it doesn't REALLY count. normal every day stuff, but i'm making an effort, rather than not...

i am grateful for:
-nice waiters
-a good job
-bob dylan
-the beatles
-someone at work i can talk to

in me:
my confidence in my body.

i've been gone ok!!

2007-06-10T19:47:00.000-04:00

ok, lets see...nice things done for jason...
0
i feel horrible.
jasons mom is always picking on him (we where at her house this weekend) and i jump on the band wagon, cause it's easy, and i get brownie points. i need to stop. it hurts jason's feelings.

this week it's jason's birthday, and i'm going to be EXTRA nice. not just birthday nice.

gratuity journal:
-dylan is a genuinely good kid.
-Jan is a loving (if not naggy) mother...she truly cares.
-nanthan the supervisor. he is a good guy.
-the awesome weather
-jason didn't get hit by a car riding to ricmond hill.

in me:
-i care. jasons dad is not treated very well. no one listens to him. so i "suffer" and listen to his stories. i am kind to him. it makes me feel good to make tony feel good.

nice thing done

2007-06-06T11:14:00.000-04:00

made breakfast for jaosn. pancakes and coffee. (and bacon! yum!)

things i am grateful for:
not me:
-our stove(cause our griddle fizzled out)
-the nice laundry man
-my nice strong husband who brings the laundry up the stairs for me, with out me ever asking.
-...(to be continued)
me:
-the ability to see my faults and the drive to change them (even if it's the same thing over and over)

asshat

2007-06-06T07:04:00.000-04:00

this time i'm talking about me.

life is going well. except i'm an asshole to my husband (sometimes).
some of you might be thinking, or want to say to me "no! you are such a good person, don't be so hard on yourself. you are awesome " i only say this 'cause thats the reaction i get when i have talked to people about this sort of thing in the past.
lately he has been calling me on it (good for him). telling me i'd never treat anyone else like that. and it's true. and it's partly because i love him and feel safe and comfortable with him that i can vent my feelings. but not if he is getting hurt. and i'm not even venting, i'm dumping my shit and taking it out on him.

so, anyway. when i was in therapy, my therapist had given me exercises to do everyday. one was a gratuity journal. list 5 things i am grateful for, as well as one thing in ME i am grateful for, and i can't repeat. they have to be VERY specific. the one about me is increasingly difficult. i tapered off, and stopped. i'm going to try again. but on line now. i spend so much time on the 'puter...

and the other thing, was to do ONE nice thing for jason everyday (i'm allowed to do more). i'm going to write down what i did. and no cop outs either. it has to be conscious. i can't think back on my day and find something.

another is an art journal. i can't do that on line. but basically i draw or paint how i feel that day.

part of why i want to do this on line is so i feel that people are holding me accountable. i am not allowed to tell jason, at least about the nice thing a day.

so yea. since it is only 7 am, and jason is asleep, i haven't done anything nice for him today. maybe i'll make him breakfast. mmmm bacon.
it is also hard not to underhandedly do something nice for jason. like making bacon. i LOVE bacon. ha ha. but i also wouldn't make it today for myself.

um, ewww.

2007-06-04T22:49:00.001-04:00

i'd suggest going back to disposable water bottles if i where you...

go here to see why

days!

2007-05-04T17:44:00.000-04:00

i've been switched over to days! phew. i still have almost exactly the same free time (3/4pm - 9/10pm) but on my days off i can DO things (like laundry, or go to the island or zoo!)
sweet.

the job

2007-04-27T03:07:00.000-04:00

there are over 24 languages spoken at ace. but we all seem to communicate. i am the only white canadian girl...actually, i think i'm the only canadian...born canadian i should say.
to everyone, i am exotic. i haven't ever been hit on so much.

there are a few questions EVERYONE asks me.
where are you from? ("canada", they often look...bemused, so i have to tell them i was born in toronto)
are you married or single? not, are you married, have a boyfriend or single? i think a lot of the cultures at ace don't really date, so you are married, or single.
since i am married, do i have kids? most people don't really get the whole step son thing, so, my husband has a son.
where do i live?
do i like it here?
what did you do before? a lot of people are confused as to why i am working in a factory/doing labor. why would a hot white canadian woman stoop so low? (no one has asked me that!)
i am relieved not to be a server anymore. i don't come home hating my job. i don't want to work there forever, but it's a good job.
i can't wait for more new people though. i'm kinda tired of getting the shit jobs. but it'll pass, so thats ok.
the roll ladies still don't like me. i'm not fast enough, and i'm competition. but that will change too. all the men nod /smile/say hello...
one of the new people who got hired on at the same time as me has kinda latched on. i don't like working with him, but i don't mind traveling towards home with him. his story is a sad one. he has a 2.5 month old son, who was born with a "defective" heart. he has had one surgery, and, as far as i know, has had a second, yesterday morning. they keep pushing it back because he had a persistent infection. faroog's (my new friend) wife is at the hospital 24/7 with the baby. he goes home after work (7/8 am) sleeps for an hour or 2, goes to the hospital for most of the day, sleeps at the hospital, and comes back to work. and on the weekends, he teaches a class on islam. and works. and goes to the hospital. he has been here for a year. he married girl who lives in toronto. he misses his family dearly. and my impression is, that they'd go to pakistan if his son was not ill. i don't get the impression that he begrudges his son or wife for it though. he is a very positive person. trusting in Allah to have things be as they should be. he showed me some pictures of his son. he is a beautiful baby, and i almost cried on the subway seeing all the tubes. poor little gaffer. faroog was not at work the night of the surgery, so i am praying that everything went well. i think he works tomorrow.
i am glad to be there to listen to him. it seems like he needs someone to listen. even if i am a white christian lady!

rashes and gimpy feet

2007-04-07T05:30:00.000-04:00

the job is good.
the tendons in my left foot are a little wonky. and at the end of my shift i can barely walk. but that will change.
i have eczema on my forearms now! that kinda sucks. i might have to wear long sleeves at work if it gets worse. i hope it goes away with time too cause it gets HOT.
i'm not sure i like working nights. on my days off i have to stay up all night so my sleep schedual doesn't go off. i miss jason.
we will work things out though. i'm going to wait it out for the 3 month probation, and if we can't figure out a good schedule, and get a good rhythm going, i'm going to give up becoming a baker (general laborers who want to be bakers have to work nights, thats where all the experience is, and bakers have to work nights mostly). i'd still get a lot of experience, i just won't have the title or extra $3+/hour. but i'm not going to sacrifice my marriage for a job that isn't life long. we'll see. it's only been 3 days. jason is acctually willing to go to bed earlier, so he can get up earlier so we can have "breakfast" together before i go to bed.

but i will miss fun summer things this summer. booo.

zombie

2007-04-03T05:38:00.000-04:00

pardon my spellling, it's 3:30 in the morning.

my new job is going to be great. except, inorder to be a baker eventually, i have to work nights...ie. 10pm-6am. thats when all the good stuff happens. i hve to learn all that i can. in a couple years i can be promoted to a first certificate baker. wooot. that still meansi will have to work crazy hours thoufh. maybe. i don;t really know.

i'm quite excited to be making so much money. nights you get an extra 5oc an hour if you work between 9pm and 5 am., and if you START after 10, you get the extra 5oc for your whole shift. like i will get the extra 5oc during my last hour too.

bennifits are 80%. jason is covered too. it is manditory. i'm fine with that. but it is 18$/week. thats kinda sucky. if i put 1% into an rrsp, they will match it!

my back hurts. i wanna sleep! but i have to condition myself for tomorrw night. i will go to bed at 6 am, and get back up at 2. and more than likly have another nap after yoga.

to pass the time i have been watching tv, and doing yoga. and drinking tea. i think i'll have an icecream bar.

bye.

JOB!

2007-03-29T13:14:00.000-04:00

i have a job!

i am now employed by ace bakery. as a general laborer. i'm not exactly 100 % sure what i'll be doing. i mix of stuff. it's full time, and i get benefits!

yay!

i was SOL

2007-03-23T19:23:00.000-04:00

i decided to sign out, to make a new blog, for kirs and me.

and then i didn't know my password to get back in.

but now its all good...and i am back...

still jobless.

a hard time

2007-03-13T22:01:00.000-04:00

i'm having a really hard time dealing with the fact that angie doesn't trust me. at all. today, when jason called her, she once again asked if i understood, and that all behavior would stop. i don;t give a crap if she likes me. well, it would be nice, but i'm not going to loose sleep over it. i wish she would talk to me about it. i wish she wasn't so horrible. i wish dylan was a more receptive child, but being a boy, and being 9 doesn't help much. i wish i could sit down with him and have a conversation about it. but the fact i can barely have a conversation with jason about all this doesn't give me much hope.
i firmly believe in talking to our (the collective our) children. so they may pretend to, or acctually, ignore you, but they can never say you didn't try. and maybe some day they might remember the conversation or a bit of it...
i don't want to become a stranger to dylan. i don't want to disappear when ever he comes over. i know he doesn't dis-like me. i know that because i can read his body language, i can see the way he acts towards me.
i wish i wish i wish.

i don't know.

yay!

2007-03-10T16:01:00.000-05:00

i'm going to go meet my old friend jess from high school today! i wish i had a scanner (that had the right cds to install it) so i could show you us in high school (over 10 years ago!!)

any who. i'm excited.

poor old bubba rat

2007-03-08T15:25:00.000-05:00

RIP Bubba.

aaaarrrrgggggg!

2007-03-05T11:20:00.000-05:00

i officially am quite annoyed with angie ("quite annoyed"= extremely pissed).
angie is dylans mom, ie jasons ex.

this thursday, jason called her to make arrangements for the weekend. she says "and i have to talk to you about rebecca, but i don't want to talk now"

i'm freaking out. she is crazy. who knows what is going on.

anywho. apparently dylan has been complaining to anyone who will listen (anyone but me or jason) that i pick on him. he doesn't want to come to our house anymore. this has been going on for months now.

NO ONE is communicating this to jason or me. and very understandably angie is pissed that her little boy is upset. i 100% get it. i am very glad she finally brought it up. i am glad , and respect dylan for telling people he is unhappy. none of this pisses me off.

what pisses me off is that angie is assuming i am doing it on purpose to hurt dylan. she told jason that she thinks i am not a good person, and that i am faking liking dylan. it hasn't gotten to the point where she isn't going to let jason see dylan anymore. but i am SO scared that it's going to get to the point where she is.

i ended up agreeing with jason to not "parent" dylan anymore. ie. he chews with his mouth open, doesn't listen, has toys strewn all over the house, is being too loud, is whining, is refusing to eat his food, whatever. i can't say a thing. i have to bite my tongue, and go tattle to jason. i have to walk on eggshells because angie is going to grill dylan when he goes back home. and who knows what will happen then.

i'm not so worried about what she thinks of me for me, i'm worried about what she thinks of me for dylan and jason. because i know, i'll be out on my ass (i'll put myself out on my ass) so jason can keep seeing dylan.

and meanwhile jason can say NOTHING about her lifestyle, and choices. but that is a whole other story.

and this is going to last the rest of our lives.

later that same day

2007-03-05T11:02:00.000-05:00

here are the pics from the show saturday!

sending my babies off into the world

2007-03-02T11:30:00.000-05:00

this purse was made to fit a hard cover novel.

i LOVE this one, and i might have to make one for myself.
it's made to fit not much. it's a going out purse. the strap is long enough to go over your head, currier style.

this one is made to fit a paper back novel. the new size paper back. they are bigger now.
i made the closing flap adjustable so when you have loads of stuff it will close, but it's not gaping when it's empty.

this one is sized to fit a magazine. i HATE buying a mag and having no where to put it.
the strap is adjustable for on the shoulder and currier style (over the head).

this too is made to fit a paper back. the strap is also adjustable.

helping a friend out

2007-02-28T09:20:00.000-05:00

so, a friend of mine is doing his thesis (at OCAD)
he needs something from you:

Weird Blows

CALL FOR SUBMISSIONS

weird (wîrd)
adj. weird·er, weird·est
1. Of, relating to, or suggestive of the preternatural or supernatural.
2. Of a strikingly odd or unusual character; strange.

blow (blō)
v. blew, blown, blow·ing, blows
1. To expel a current of air, as from the mouth or from a bellows.
2. slang. Sexual activity involving oral stimulation of one's partner's sex organs.

Weird Blows is an ongoing art project where people anonymously submit their bizarre sexual experiences. These will eventually be archived on an upcoming website for viewing purposes and certain experiences will be adapted into short videos that will also be placed on the website, recontextualizing these accounts through the lens of the pornography they can owe so much to.

You are invited to contribute your experiences to Weird Blows. Each experience can be fondly-remembered or otherwise and it can be based in reality or fantasy or somewhere in between. Possible themes for the experiences are not limited to accounts of oral sex or heteronormative relationships. There are also varying degrees of weirdness; one person's kink is another person's vanilla. What really matters is that the experience you submit is true.

We have only one suggestion:

Be descriptive! One or two-sentence experiences all tend to sound the same.

Mail your experiences to weirdblows@gmail.com or send them, postal-style, to:

Weird Blows
585 Gerrard St. E
Toronto, ON
M4M 1Y2

so, how's it going?

2007-02-27T19:45:00.000-05:00

i'm good, how are you?

i left my job at gladstone, cause jason told me to. i was coming home very unhappy, and had rent for march. so, still no job, but got work for 4 days stuffing envelopes. what tiring work. but hey, now i'm on my way to paying aprils rent! anyone else want me to stuff envelopes?

i sewed 2 purses today. i'm in a conundrum about what to charge for them. mad gypsy gets 1/2 of that i put on the price tag...

i know they will sell, cause i want to keep them. thats how it usually works for me!

yup. i'm going to do more sewing tomorrow, until i'm done the 5 i have cut, and then i'll bring them in and see how fast they sell. maybe i can get the rest of aprils rent with them!

jason is doing well. he hates king lear.

anywho, i just thought i'd give a little update.

my first valentines day married...

2007-02-16T20:27:00.000-05:00

we had a 2 day valentines! on wednesday i cooked his favorite meal. bajan flying fish and peas and rice. and thursday i gave him his bubble bath and soap and chocolate kisses. and that evening he gave me a large box to put my bathroom stuff in so it's not so messy...and the we went out to big daddy's oyster bar and crab shack. YUM! i have beef and tuna steak. jason had a mix plate. it. was. so. good. if you like seafood, go there. a bit pricy, but thats ok when you orgasm at each bite!

baaaaa

2007-02-15T12:16:00.000-05:00

in the lego book that comes with your bin of lego, there are instructions for things like boats, cars and...
sheep!

dylan got creative and made many different kinds of sheep
the cop and robber car sheep

the "invisible", and "normal" sheep

the rocket booster and beat cop sheep

the giant sheep (and the cop sheep)
the comparison.

oh well

2007-02-12T21:27:00.000-05:00

working at a bar won't work for me.
at least not one with old men coming in at 11 am, and staying for the rest of my shift, sadly drinking beer after beer.

it makes me too sad. now i'm on the hunt for something else. but no more service jobs at all. maybe i'll look into some placement agencies.

boo.

whaaaa!

2007-02-02T15:57:00.000-05:00

i NEVER EVER want to get up at 6 am, work an almost 14 hour day (10am-11:45pm) sleep for 5 hours and work another 8, starting at 6:30 am, after working all week, and having the possibility of working 7 or more days in a row more (= 14+ days working)
i had better not be working monday. or i won't have any clean clothes or sanity left.

but i AM enjoying working at the gladstone. things are so way better. i love it!

new jorb!

2007-01-27T12:34:00.000-05:00

woot!

i got a new job.
at the gladstone. at the cafe of all places. i can't get out of my rut. but i NEED to get out of rustic. and i am never going to get more hours, and here i will work up to full time as well as more tips. i will also be working the "melody bar" on sunday afternoons doing brunch. sometimes busy, sometimes not. same with the cafe. they just started doing dinner regularly. lunch is busy. i am going to learn how to mix drinks. i should get my smart serve. i'll look online right now.

i'm excited.

the godfather

2007-01-14T13:30:00.000-05:00

so, yesterday i watched the godfather, and today i am about to watch #2. both for the first time all the way through.

did the term "vito" come about because of the movie, or did the writer cleverly name him Vito because he has all the vito power? hmmm??

in other news, i just found out what an awesome writer my husband is! i just edited a bunch of jasons assignments and they are great!

my machine

2007-01-09T17:10:00.000-05:00

i got an i-pod suffle for christmas. not only can i listen to 16.2 hours (238 songs), i can also use this little divece for other uses. a tie clip, a necklace, earings (then i'd have 32.4 hours), bookmark, and hair clip.

i'm not really sure how i did it with out my little machine. i use it all the freakin time. i now know how AWESOME the clash is. i mean, i knew, but i havn't LISTENED to them. now walking to work, and doing dishes (at work) is a pleasure!.

i never knew the lyrics to "three little birds" by bob marley. everyone knows "don't worry about a thing, every little thing gunna be alright" but did you know
"i rise up this morning, smile at the rising sun, three little birds sit by my doorstep, singing sweet songs, of melodies pure and true, sayin this is my message to you" that bit makes me SO HAPPY! so feakin HAPPY! sigh. i love my little machine

oh, and springteen's "walking in memphis"? fuck i love that song too.

our honeymoon

2007-01-07T12:15:00.000-05:00

our B+B is the oldest house in niagra. 1850something.

the tub is NOT from the 1850's

woo hoo!!! (we ended up losing $30 in total)

the ferris wheel

how we felt being in the ferris wheel

the veiw from the wheel (once we could move our bodys with out screaming)

we got dressed up and went out for a "fancy" dinner at the keg

the reminence of our dessert...

the american falls

a mist rainbow
a neat-o weather vane

we went under the falls through tunnels and out to a lookout.

jason at the lookout. he's so tough.

me at the lookout

in the tunnel. the white is the falling falls.

in the tunnel. jason is a ham.

back at the top. we hd to do some tourist shots

the wind blowing the water

we went to lunch at T.G.I.Fridays. it sucked ass. not only was it expensive (we knew the food was going to be) the food had NO taste. none. we where VERY disapointed.
this is the remenents of my food. i couldn't eat it all, and i was still hungrey

how sad we where.

our bill for 2 meals and no drinks.

fat jason

it was windy

a VERY fat squirel

my glowing polka dot tights at the mini put.

jason in a barel
i locked him up

a large chair

a budda made of money.

the one set of lights we saw. it was raining and we decided to forgo them.

my goats (aka goals...)for the year.

2007-01-05T23:12:00.000-05:00

i'm doing this cause i'm tired of tv (shocking) and i'm not tired enough to go to bed, and it's too late to sew on the machine.

lets see if i can acctually do some of this this year...

hmmm, i didn't make any goats last year...but i did re-read stuff in my blog. um, did you know it was 10 degrees celceuce last january 18th?? the trees outside where budding. just like they are now. um. not good.

back to goats.

1. be healthy so when i eventually do have a baby i will be fit and healthy and everything will be oso good...or that is my hope. (no i am not getting preggers this year, or next...um, i tink the goal is 2010)
a. eat good=not a lot of sugar. no more wheat. more veggies.
b. excersize=one hour a day. this is to get fit in body and mind. my therapist says so.

2. sew my brains out.

3. get my stuff to stores who want to sell my stuff i sew.

4. get a well paying job so we don't have to worry when jason is in school.

5. keep well paying job for duration of jasons schooling for same reason as #4, as well as an excersize in sticking to it.

6. be social. call people i like. go out.

7. accept the fact that not eveyone i like likes me as much as i like them. don't take it as an attack, just a fact and move on. i guess be more accepting of things i can't control. um, i gess thats just about eveything.

8. live by the golden rule. treat others like i'd like to be treated. i'm not so good at that all the time.

9. watch less tv. :. having the time to do #'s 1b,2,3,6

10. help jason more (also falls under #8)

11. take a fun class. ie. drawing, photography, pottery.

the good and the not so good.

2007-01-05T15:25:00.000-05:00

the good:

we went on our honeymoon. it was SUPER fun. i will post some pics soon. i will miss the afternoon snacks and naps the most. as well as spending so much time with my husband. we did not kill eachother! yay!

the not so good:

nates dad passed away last night. i havn't spoken to him since (being away) but he called a few weeks ago and he sounded...up beat i guess. it seems as though everyone was at peace about it. everyone was open and talking. it was cancer, so they had some time. that makes it easier. i guess. if your dad passing away is easy. i can't imagine. especially this time of year. Christmas is nates most favorite time, and i'm glad he got to spend one more with his pop.
i'm feeling quite sad.
i love you nate!

i will not be thinking of you

2007-01-02T08:08:00.000-05:00

we're off on our honeymoon.

you can think of us, and all the sex. but don't think that we are going to think of you.

we will have lots of pics that do not include all the sex.

happy newyear!

well,

2006-12-31T08:20:00.000-05:00

if i don't see you today, i guess i'll see you next year!

sarahs birthday

2006-12-30T09:08:00.000-05:00

i'm not even going to try and explain all of these... some of them though, i will

at one point all the boys where in one room and all the...

girls where in another

jello shots by the spoonful

thats what we call out rat

steve's pants don't fit anymore.

porn in the girls bathroom

grissom (sp??) the cat.

cotany love stopped by

so did the cops (but not for us)

ok, my resolutions.

2006-12-30T08:55:00.000-05:00

nate inspired me...
he's good at that.

ok.

um...

excersize.
this should be easy. i have a Y membership i don't pay for and i feel better when i do and total crap when i stop.

um...

get a better paying jorb.

yup.

christmas

2006-12-29T09:31:00.000-05:00

the cardinal

the dishes washing pirate (b.i.l. Art)

Donna got edible flowers for the food...

Jasons christmas spirit
lego

it bloomed christmas day

taking a christmas nap
CHEESE!

it's friday!

2006-12-15T09:01:00.000-05:00

i'm not dure when i have ever been more excited that it is friday! i ca't wait till my 2 week vacation (un paid, but december is a 5 week pay and i sold a lot of t-shirts) the first week of january we are going on our honeymoon...to niagra falls! yup. i can't wait. i love my jason.

we went to jasons work x-mas party last night. i am so proud of myself! i didn't have any wheat! i'm doing really well.

post secret

2006-12-03T09:54:00.000-05:00

this was posted on post secret today. it makes me feel better.

wtf?

2006-11-29T18:40:00.000-05:00

am i the ONLY person in the world who does not do drugs? wtf? why the HELL do people do drugs??? i hardly drink! i feel like a fool when i get drunk and smoke pot. if i am going to act like a fool i may as well know what i am doing.

halloween, dylans birthday and a powwow

2006-11-26T14:14:00.000-05:00

4 generations in one bed

drummers circle

the line of dancers

christmas and shopping

2006-11-11T17:00:00.000-05:00

my christmas celebration starts a week early this year. i'm going to my grandma and grandpas on the 17th of dec. why not christmas day like the whole other 26 other times? because my dad is pissed at his sisters. at how frantic eveything has to get. he won't bother talking to them. NOOOO or his mom! she didn't know they wernt comming this year. acctually. i tend to agree with him. it IS crazy, and not fun i love my family crazy i experience with my moms family or my step family. and i'm still pissed about the wedding too. if i drove and had access to a car i'd still go. but oh well. at least i get to see G+G. we are spending christmas eve day with jasons mom. then christmas day i mke breakfast for my mom, step dad and sister, then i just realized i am making a turkey too!! my dad is brining it and i get to cook it! gah! *happy house wife face* i can't wait to make my stuffing again though!! it was so good this thanksgiving!

i spurged and spent$87.21 at H&M today. i bought a purple t-shirt, a teal, small with small bumps andcap sleeve button up, and a brown v-neck. oh! and pink socks, 2 kinds of pink, skull and crossbone socks and black with pink lightning bolt socks. yay!

i also went to the market and bought 12 susages and flour and fixings for lentil soup. the soup is very good. and was made from the last of my turkey stock.

RIP

2006-11-01T09:45:00.000-05:00

our poor little malko died last night.
my sweet little guy.

2006-10-29T08:35:00.001-05:00

how the heck did it get to be the end of october already?