better
things are MUCH better. we talked today. things are better. but until i get into therapy, and we get into counseling, it won't stay better.
confession:
i am an angry person. did you know that? i think i hide it well.
i've been angry MY WHOLE LIFE. not just at 11 when my dad abused me. my whole life. i am not a happy person. it's a veneer. not exactly fake. i do FEEL happy some times. but there is that anger under it all. i'm not really sure why. maybe the world just sucks.
the weird thing is, i didn't know that until recently. but it's true. i need to find out why, and i need to learn how to manage it. part of it is the way i am. my temperament. i got my dads, and my sister got my moms. my mom and sister are calm and cool. they both get angry, but they are calm. my dad and i are pressure cookers. no, thats not really right. we know what pisses us off and we can't stand it when it happens.
little things make me MAD. the closer you are to me, the madder i get. maybe thats why i don't have any close friends. i keep most people at arms length.
i pick at dylan and jason all the time.
i hate being so pissed off all the time. it's time to learn how not to be. i'm not sure how yet. i need help. that i know.
yea. i need to make a LOT of progress before i can have children. i don't want to be a mean mommy. i have done a lot of work in the past. i don't think it will take too long to get going. i'm going to go back to the woman i was seeing before we got married. i won't have to start from the bottom. just from the middle maybe. now i have coverage for therapy too. and so does jason, so although it won't cover it all, it can cover some.
it's going to be long and hard. i'm keeping my sights on when it's better (not perfect...never perfect, but better)
confession:
i am an angry person. did you know that? i think i hide it well.
i've been angry MY WHOLE LIFE. not just at 11 when my dad abused me. my whole life. i am not a happy person. it's a veneer. not exactly fake. i do FEEL happy some times. but there is that anger under it all. i'm not really sure why. maybe the world just sucks.
the weird thing is, i didn't know that until recently. but it's true. i need to find out why, and i need to learn how to manage it. part of it is the way i am. my temperament. i got my dads, and my sister got my moms. my mom and sister are calm and cool. they both get angry, but they are calm. my dad and i are pressure cookers. no, thats not really right. we know what pisses us off and we can't stand it when it happens.
little things make me MAD. the closer you are to me, the madder i get. maybe thats why i don't have any close friends. i keep most people at arms length.
i pick at dylan and jason all the time.
i hate being so pissed off all the time. it's time to learn how not to be. i'm not sure how yet. i need help. that i know.
yea. i need to make a LOT of progress before i can have children. i don't want to be a mean mommy. i have done a lot of work in the past. i don't think it will take too long to get going. i'm going to go back to the woman i was seeing before we got married. i won't have to start from the bottom. just from the middle maybe. now i have coverage for therapy too. and so does jason, so although it won't cover it all, it can cover some.
it's going to be long and hard. i'm keeping my sights on when it's better (not perfect...never perfect, but better)
posted by becca at 5:43 PM
1 Comments:
it's always two steps forward, one step back... but even that way, you keep moving and it gets better.
awareness is 50% of it, will is 40% of it, and that final magic 10% will come from the insights from therapy.
you can do it.
rain
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