asshat

this time i'm talking about me.

life is going well. except i'm an asshole to my husband (sometimes).
some of you might be thinking, or want to say to me "no! you are such a good person, don't be so hard on yourself. you are awesome " i only say this 'cause thats the reaction i get when i have talked to people about this sort of thing in the past.
lately he has been calling me on it (good for him). telling me i'd never treat anyone else like that. and it's true. and it's partly because i love him and feel safe and comfortable with him that i can vent my feelings. but not if he is getting hurt. and i'm not even venting, i'm dumping my shit and taking it out on him.

so, anyway. when i was in therapy, my therapist had given me exercises to do everyday. one was a gratuity journal. list 5 things i am grateful for, as well as one thing in ME i am grateful for, and i can't repeat. they have to be VERY specific. the one about me is increasingly difficult. i tapered off, and stopped. i'm going to try again. but on line now. i spend so much time on the 'puter...

and the other thing, was to do ONE nice thing for jason everyday (i'm allowed to do more). i'm going to write down what i did. and no cop outs either. it has to be conscious. i can't think back on my day and find something.

another is an art journal. i can't do that on line. but basically i draw or paint how i feel that day.

part of why i want to do this on line is so i feel that people are holding me accountable. i am not allowed to tell jason, at least about the nice thing a day.

so yea. since it is only 7 am, and jason is asleep, i haven't done anything nice for him today. maybe i'll make him breakfast. mmmm bacon.
it is also hard not to underhandedly do something nice for jason. like making bacon. i LOVE bacon. ha ha. but i also wouldn't make it today for myself.