why not?
why can't we just make the decision that things are going to be ok? poof. do things NEED to be complicated?
jason and i are/where having sex issues. it had gotten to the point where both of us were too worried to do it anymore. so we talk and talk and get angry cause we both don't understand how we even GOT to this point. one night, we started talking about it again and i thought "FUCK IT! THIS IS SO DUMB LETS JUST DO IT" and so i went for it, we had sex and it was fine. it doesn't seem to be an issue anymore.
so why can't it be that way in life. why can't we throw it all off and say "FUCK IT! THIS IS SO DUMB LETS JUST DO IT". lets just live life and have fun and enjoy ourselves and eachother?? so you don't like your job? get a new one, or just live with the one you have. let all the shit roll off like water off a ducks back.
in therapy i leanred that my "problems" didn't stem from my abuse. the abuse amplified them, but it wasn't the root cause. and i think that for some people it may be, but you already have your "blue print" for how you percieve life by the time you are 6. i think the younger you are when "bad things" happen the more amplified your problems may be. (in saying "bad things", i am talking about any type of disruption, not just abuse...death of a parent, any traumatic experience)
so now i don't have a scape goat anymore. i havn't decided whether or not i like that. it was easier to blame my father out right for one act. now i have my upbringing to "blame".
i now have things to undo. i'm taking over my life. but it's like taking over a tapestry part way through, and the people who started it messed up. they tried really hard to do it right and good, and in general did a good job, but messed some parts up so bad. now i have to go back and pick away and re embroder. or do i cut the threds and start fresh and learn over? keep the old bit. keep it and be proud of it. cause i made some of it too. and i love the people who weaved it. even the people who made the biggest mistakes. but have it to know not to make the same mistakes.
i have the best of intentions but it all get muddled in my head. my therapist thinks i have a learning disability or add. or is that just another scape goat.
i am so much in the habit of ignoring what is going on, i forget that i am trying to start a new tapestry and keep going back to the old one, doing it the same.
how do i stop?
i don't want to erase the person i have become. but i want to become better. more observant. more and consistantly caring, esp. to jason and dylan.
i guess the first step is to be caring to me.
jason and i are/where having sex issues. it had gotten to the point where both of us were too worried to do it anymore. so we talk and talk and get angry cause we both don't understand how we even GOT to this point. one night, we started talking about it again and i thought "FUCK IT! THIS IS SO DUMB LETS JUST DO IT" and so i went for it, we had sex and it was fine. it doesn't seem to be an issue anymore.
so why can't it be that way in life. why can't we throw it all off and say "FUCK IT! THIS IS SO DUMB LETS JUST DO IT". lets just live life and have fun and enjoy ourselves and eachother?? so you don't like your job? get a new one, or just live with the one you have. let all the shit roll off like water off a ducks back.
in therapy i leanred that my "problems" didn't stem from my abuse. the abuse amplified them, but it wasn't the root cause. and i think that for some people it may be, but you already have your "blue print" for how you percieve life by the time you are 6. i think the younger you are when "bad things" happen the more amplified your problems may be. (in saying "bad things", i am talking about any type of disruption, not just abuse...death of a parent, any traumatic experience)
so now i don't have a scape goat anymore. i havn't decided whether or not i like that. it was easier to blame my father out right for one act. now i have my upbringing to "blame".
i now have things to undo. i'm taking over my life. but it's like taking over a tapestry part way through, and the people who started it messed up. they tried really hard to do it right and good, and in general did a good job, but messed some parts up so bad. now i have to go back and pick away and re embroder. or do i cut the threds and start fresh and learn over? keep the old bit. keep it and be proud of it. cause i made some of it too. and i love the people who weaved it. even the people who made the biggest mistakes. but have it to know not to make the same mistakes.
i have the best of intentions but it all get muddled in my head. my therapist thinks i have a learning disability or add. or is that just another scape goat.
i am so much in the habit of ignoring what is going on, i forget that i am trying to start a new tapestry and keep going back to the old one, doing it the same.
how do i stop?
i don't want to erase the person i have become. but i want to become better. more observant. more and consistantly caring, esp. to jason and dylan.
i guess the first step is to be caring to me.
posted by becca at 4:35 PM
1 Comments:
you're really making lots of positive headway on yourself. It's wonderful to see :-)
That said, I don't think blame is a healthy way to go about things. You are who you are and it's because of so many things that you can't even remember having happened. There are big events that you (in specific and in general) latch onto that seem to make things easier to deal with in the short-term, but not so constructive in the long-term. Do you know what I mean?
I can get totally hung-up on the fact that my parents divorced when I was 3 and that made me the insecure, emotionally high-maintenance freak that I am today. I can put the blame all on that. But what does that solve? What good does it do? Nada. That event in my life is probably responsible for a lot of how I see the world and it's good to recognize that, but it's not so good to pin everything on that event.
I love your tapestry analogy. It works really really well. And it's pretty imagery, to boot. :)
You may well have a learning disabilty, which may help you figure out certain things in your life. But regardless of what you find on that front, don't be tempted to use it as a crutch. I don't think you would, but having certain issues, myself, I understand the desire to wallow in unproductive self-pity because I'm not perfect. It just doesn't do any good, you know?
You're on the right track, girlie! More power to ya!
*giant hugs*
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