as you may know

i have issues. issues with self destructon. self sabotage. i get so freaked out that it will all end i end it my self. or at least put things into place where it doesn't look like my fault (or i hope it doesn't) and it all falls apart and i go "well fuck, it happened again. i am such a loser" i do this at work and in relationships mostly. luckily jason isn't going anywhere but it sometimes gets to the point where i think he might. we have a blowup and i am left hysericly crying on the floor, hands in my hair, rocking back and forth crying "NONONONONONONONONO" "FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYNONONONONONO". then he comes back from his walk and we talk and he expresses himself and it's all better. so what i hope is that someday i will run out of things to sabotoge. and not go back the the old ones. cause i often fix what the problem is because i'm not usually concious of this new one, just the old ones. maybe someday i will become aware of thies new developments before they become an issue with jason. i hope so, because we are both becoming tired of it. and everyone has a breaking point.

it's like that jewel song "i've got my hands in my hair and my heart in your hands."

my eyes are puffy, i have a headache and i have an interveiw today. it's rainy and gloomy and i just had a greasyspoon breakfast.

i bought cigarettes for the 3rd time in my life. i got smart and at least bought jasons brand. i also bought a chocolate bar.

i am going for coffee with annikka today, and going out dancing with dan and heather. i need my friends.

where did the happy-go-lucky girl go?