baby making

Jason and I FINALLY talked seriously about baby making.
It's very frustrating, because *I* talk about it all the time, and to other people, about my time line. I was gunning for January 2010. If we had happened to get pregnant right away, Jason will be done school before the baby comes. Then Jason started talking about how he wanted to go away after school for a few weeks on a 'real' vacation. To Europe or some such. And it dawned on him that there might be a chance I'd be very pregnant. So we talked about it, and I agree, It would be nice to have gone away before we have kids...so it's been pushed back 6 months.

SO in a year and a half we're starting our baby making adventures! I'm happy we've figured it out TOGETHER.

oi, this seems to be my medical blog lol

went to a GI specialist for the tum tum. don't think I have crones yay! Dr. doesn't think I have ciliac disease. even though all signs point to yes??? wtf? is testing my blood for it though, as well as thyroid problems in case it's a hormone thing. I might have IBS (irritable bowel syndrome). He put me on a diet for that. Very little dairy. hard cheeses like old cheddar (YUM), pro-biotic yogurt and lactose free stuff. No Apples, Bananas, cherries, plums or prunes. No beans or legumes, cabbage cauliflower, brocc or turnips, or bread, except for 2 slices of whole grain bread. he said whole wheat, but I'm going to do spelt... I must eat 40 grams of fiber every day. i don't think that will be a problem. my problem is the beans. that was my main protien, along with cheese. so I might have to start eating meat again. I'll see. I can't eat soy beacuase its beans. crud. meat is so expensive, and i really don't want to eat meat unless its organic. I don't want any more crap in my body. We'll see soon what the blood tests say.

pmdd??

http://menstrualdisorders.morefocus.com/articles/pmdd-and-menstruation/index.php

maybe...
but I need to chart my days for a while to really see. because it's always after...not before.

i can't find anything talking about after.

resolutions?

so, it has come to my attention there is something wrong with me.
every month, the week AFTER my period, i go...crazy. i think thats the only word for it. why? because I don't know it's happening. I think I'm a fairly observant person when it comes to myself, esp. recently. I've been working hard trying to be 'better', by being conscious and aware of Egor (he's the jerk inside me who gets defensive and bitchy and aggravated and who pushes me to react negativly to those things that make me feel like that) I named him so I can call him on it. He's not who I AM.
any way...
So I've been conscious and I have, and Jason has, seen an improvement. Except for this one week a month when Egor 100% takes over. Like, apparently, I'll be upset about something, and Jason will call me on it, (like I've asked him to) and I'll snap back at him and deny I'm upset. Or it will be later, and he'll be telling me about it, and I won't know what he's talking about. Like, I'll remember the situation around it, but not my being angry.

so my conclusion is a. Jason is delusional.
or 2. I'm batshit crazy.

Now, the reason I don't think Jason is crazy, is because about 10 years ago my friend Dan asked me to tell him when I was on my period so he could tell the rest of our friends why I was being so horrible. It didn't click with me, because the in time frame he mentioned, I WASN'T on my period, OR PMSing (pre...). I'd like to talk to Nate, he's the only other long term BF I've had. I know he noticed stuff, but I don't remember what we talked about.

I also remember feeling paranoid around this time. like, feeling odd, and trying to figure out why, and making things up with people around me to make sense of it. hmmmmmmm.

I wonder what can be done. It's hurting Jason, and I have NO doubt I'll end up hurting our kids too. I don't want to be a horrible monster one day a week let alone a whole week.

so. I don't know what to do. I desperately don't want to go on meds.

oh fucking blody hell

why?
thats all.

why?

i don't get it. i really don't.

we WERE going to have a nice day today.
all i said was "but it's sunday" in response to "call the bank and change it"
i got defensive, and then wised up and went to go call to see. not entirely all him but wtf. WTF!?

now he's gone, and the day is ruined. should i go do laundry and not see the movie? should i stay here and beg forgiveness for something i don't even know what happened?

WHY does it always turn into SOMETHING that wrecks the who day. why can't he let it go.



GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! *throws something*

hmmm, an update

oh! We're moving. July 1.

I NEED a new job. One that pays $11/hour+ at $40/week. One that does not hurt my body. Maybe a receptionist? *sigh* I really don't know. Who wants to hire me?

feeling less, um...bogged down

so, jason and i had a GOOD talk when he got home

(oh, back story, i didn't get into it before. same old me being a jerk face, same old jason flipping out, storming off. except jason's mom and son where there. he un invited me to go out with them during the afternoon. i sat at home brooding.)

we actually talked. we got it down to the bare bones. still not REALLY sure WHAT to do. but at least we are on the same page.

i need a dream catcher to help me keep my dreams alive.

i was manic, now i'm depressed
should i be medicated? i hurt my husband. the person i shouldn't.

i want to beable to DO this on my own

i want this book to work, not just feel good.

i'm doing it to myself. like fuck. i don't have to react like this. buti like the drama. it feeds me, and with out being a jerk, who am i i'm not the person jason married if i'm not the sameperson he married. his reactions to me trying to get better are horrible when i'm DOING iot. when i'm feeling and being and NOW and I AM he doesn't get it. so are we doomed? wtf. i wish he's open up and

do what i tell him

thats not right either.
why WHY THE FUCK DOES IT HAVE TO BE A STRUGGLE? why. why can't i just BE and be accepted. why can't i just accept that i'm NOT accepted? i'm my problem. the rest is the rest and i could just let it go.


i'd gain me, but would i loose the rest? my husband ? my dreams?

i can't fight. i need to let live and let go as they say.

live the life you love. love the life you live. as mr. marley said.

thanks for BEing there and listening. even if you didn't. i don't want advice. i just want to BE.

trying

im trying to live NOW. to be present. to BE.
and maybe cause i'm TRYING it's not "working" i keep. i keep i dunno, messing up i guess.

is this where i'm supposed to be?

am i, are we, just...disillusioned?

now i now, so there is no later or before. it's gone or never really will be. but try to tell that to someone you have hurt who is still hurting who hurt you back. i can't IGNORE the fact that i act like a jerk. we can't really live like that.

i
have
no
idea how not to ACT like this any more.

i'm aware. i don't understand i don't get it
when it's not like this, i get it
but at this moment

i'mlost, except i KNOW where i am...just no to go.


this is how i "feel?"